Somewhere along the way we begin to realize that marriage takes work. If you’re struggling and wondering how to get the spark back in your marriage take a look at these 9 tips below.
A few days ago I was reminiscing about the first Valentineâs Day that my husband and I spent together twelve years ago⌠and how it was one of the only ones that we ever celebrated.
Iâll never forget knocking on the door of his condo when his roommate answered with the biggest smile on his face and said âYouâll never believe whatâs going on in here!â I soon discovered that my then boyfriend was stepping into new territory and cooking me a lovely surprise dinner!
After a delicious meal we exchanged greeting cards with a hand written message inside and ended the evening with him singing me one of my favorite songs. Umm, he was a keeper!
Fast forward to today and quiet leisurely evenings of relaxation and serenading are few and far between. These past few years have been a struggle for our family. Although the love my husband and I hold for one another is incredibly strong, life circumstances have made it difficult to pour into our marriage like we did in the beginning.
I often sit in awe that my husband and I are doing as well as we are. And give all of the credit to our gracious God who taught us some tiny truths all those years prior in preparation for the blessings and trials that awaited usâŚ
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How To Get The Spark Back In Your Marriage
If youâve hit a rough patch and are wondering how to get the spark back in your marriage Iâd encourage you to read through the list below. My husband and I have learned that itâs often the simplest things that have the greatest impact.
Each of these has been a welcome comfort in our own marriage and has helped keep it strong for over a decade.
1. Smile
Did you know that smiling sends a signal to the brain to release dopamine, endorphins and serotonin- the feel good hormones? These happy little hormones lower stress, reduce blood pressure, and relieve pain.
On the other hand being on the receiving end of a smile triggers the reward center of our brains giving us a little mood boost.
Try smiling at your spouse from across the room in a public place or gathering. Reach for their hand and offer a smile at the dinner table. This simple gesture doesnât take much effort, but can do your spouseâs heart a world of good.
This one little act that once upon a time came so naturally can be the start of getting the spark back in your marriage.
2. Flirt
Flirtatiousness typically marks the beginning of a relationship and tapers off after the newness of it all wears off⌠but it doesnât have to, nor should it. Being playful with your spouse can do wonders for both of you as you rest in the fact that you still have eyes solely for one another. I firmly believe that a healthy marriage is marked by this little trait.
Itâs not uncommon for my husband (in pure goofball fashion) to make an excited noise when I walk by in a sweet attempt let me know that he still finds me attractive. Although I may blush, laugh, or give him âthe lookâ this simple gesture warms my heart and always makes me smile.
I may be a bit more shy in my attempts to flirt back but I know that he appreciates my efforts just the same. (And just an FYI ladies, a nice hug with a bum squeeze always seems to do the trick!)
3. Say âThank Youâ
There are two little words that have more power together than we often give them credit for. A simple âthank youâ can go a long way in a marriage. The further along we get in our relationship the greater our tendency to neglect to show appreciation like we once did.
Itâs easy to assume our spouse already knows how grateful we are for them, but the truth is that maybe they donât. We may have the best of intentions. We may think about how much we appreciate them, but unfortunately good intentions donât always mean much if they arenât backed up with accompanying words and actions.
Try finding something each day to tell your spouse âthank youâ for. Whether itâs thanking them for mowing the lawn, whipping up a delicious meal, being the family chauffer on a recent road trip, or for the way they love and lead your children, those words of gratitude can easily build up the heart of your spouse.
4. Compliment Each Other
Compliments come naturally during the âfalling in loveâ stage of a relationship. They do not come as easily during the sleep deprived, stress induced, âwhat was he thinking?!â phase that comes later down the road.
Iâd like to encourage you to take a few minutes to remember what it was that initially drew you to your spouse all those years ago. Think about what you admire, what you are grateful for, what sets them apart. Then when the time is right today give your spouse a compliment⌠and do it again tomorrow.
Do you admire his work ethic? Then tell him how proud you are of him and express your gratitude for his provision for your family. Is she a wonderful mother? Tell her what an amazing job she is doing loving, leading, correcting, and nurturing your children.
5. Be Adventurous Together
As busyness sets in and commitments mount up we can easily begin to lose our sense of adventure, which fuels a relationship and creates lasting memories. Whether it is a couple of hours of spontaneity, attempting a new activity, or discovering a beautiful star gazing spot- those moments of exploring together strengthen the marriage bond.
My husband and I took a short trip together last year to a little B&B in Lake Michigan. Surprisingly our favorite memories arenât of relaxing sunsets over the serene waters. They are of a leisurely stroll gone awry and a 17 mile biking trip that fell short of its promises.
Both of these little misadventures turned out to be sweet memories in the making and elicit laughter every time we talk about them. (One of them may include my husband taking a manly âshort cutâ (aka hiking straight up a steep 150 ft sand dune) to come to my rescue!)
Plan some outings and adventures together. You wonât regret it!
Related: 10 TIPS FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE
6. Hug often to get the spark back in your marriage
Have you ever wondered how a simple hug has the ability to calm a weary heart, soothe away anxious thoughts, or bring about joy? A 10-20 second embrace has been scientifically shown to release the âlove hormoneâ oxytocin which has an array of calming effects and health benefits.
If youâre looking for a healthy way to get the spark back in your marriage make more of an effort to embrace your spouse. You donât have to have a reason to pull them in close to remind them of the amount of love you hold for them.
Hug your husband when he leaves the house and when he returns home. Come up from behind your wife and wrap your arms around her while sheâs cooking. Slip your arm around her when youâre standing close. Steel him away for a quick kiss and embrace in the middle of a busy day. Hold each other as you drift off to sleep.
Oxytocin seems to be doing its job in our marriage and I know it can for yours too!
7. Be Thoughtful
A random act of kindness, thoughtful gesture, or act of service is a simple way to communicate to your spouse that youâre willing to go out of your way to make them smile. Take some time this week to study your spouse like you did in the beginning. Then make a mental note of thoughtful ways to express your love and appreciation.
Being intentional in this way has played a huge role in keeping our own marriage healthy. My husbandâs kind acts continually warm my heart and humble me. After all this time heâs still listening, studying, and going above and beyond so that I never doubt his love for me.
On the flip side of this, being able to find a simple way to let him know that I care truly brings joy to my heart too. We were made to serve one another. When a man and wife both look at marriage as an opportunity to love and serve it is truly beautiful beyond words.
8. Intentionally Connect
Sometimes life can be so busy and demanding that we donât spend time together unless we intentionally plan it. We intuitively know that connection is vital to any healthy relationship, yet it is often one of the first things to go once the pressures of life begin closing in around us.
Neglecting to spend time together as husband and wife typically results in one of two things: feeling more like a roommate than a life partner or allowing selfishness and bitterness to creep in- neither of which is going to strengthen your marriage. A few simple ways to bring back the spark in a relationship and reconnect:
- Handholding
- Cuddling and chatting before bed
- Praying together
- Reading and discussing a book together
- Having a weekly game or movie night
- Conversation cards
- Enjoying a candlelit dinner together (after the kids go to bed if need be)
9. How To Get The Spark Back In Your Marriage – Give Your Spouse Grace
Our culture has a tendency to depict love as a happily ever after fairytale romance. Deep down we know that we are imperfect people and this idea is unrealistic, but we fall for it anyway- hook, line, and sinker.
A marriage built on the ideal of effortless happiness is one destined to fail from the beginning. To the contrary, we must faithfully pour into our marriage, on the easy days and challenging days alike.
Marriage takes commitment, patience, gratitude, endurance, trust, teamwork, humility, forgiveness and grace, among other things. At times it may even require sacrifice as we learn what it means to genuinely place our spouse’s needs above our own.
The biblical definition of love beautifully describes God’s intention for the marriage relationship.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV
Love “bearing” and “enduring” all things is a far cry from the culture’s encouragement to “follow our hearts”. When we make the decision to endure the difficulties in marriage rather than walk away, we open the door for growth. Those very trials are what allow us to stretch and grow in our character, marriage, and faith.
May we be faithful to pursue God’s ideals for our marriage rather than the ideals of the world around us. And may we offer our spouse grace as we remember that there is no such thing as perfection this side of Heaven.
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