The Lost Art Of Modesty: 3 Truths For Women

What I am about to say some may call “old fashioned”. But before you tune me out, I’d like to ask you a question. Why do we equate this term with inferiority? There are many long forgotten manors and customs that were, once upon a time, the heartbeat of our culture.

Chivalry. Dignity. Diligence.

I’m pretty certain the average person would agree that each of these are admirable qualities. But… here’s where many begin to disagree… what about the modesty of a woman?

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3 Truths About the Modesty of a Woman

I’m stepping a bit out of my comfort zone as I write this post on women’s modesty, and am prepared for some to disagree with me. That is okay.

Please know that I am not here to judge. I have also struggled in this area and crossed over those blurry lines on more than one occasion. My goal in writing is to share my heart and look at this topic through the lens of truth and much grace.

1. Modesty Is Still Beautiful

I think it’s safe to say that, as women, we all have an innate desire to feel beautiful. Much in the same way that a man desires to feel strong. I believe that we feel this way for no other reason than because we were specifically created this way.

God’s design for the female and male genders is truly beautiful in the way that each uniquely compliments the other. All of that to say that our desire to feel pretty is not wrong. What we do with that desire, however, can make all the difference.

Do we dress to attract, impress, or flaunt? Or do we take the focus off of ourselves and dress a bit more classy- still stylish and feminine without revealing too much?

Obviously women’s modesty is not overtly black and white and we will have varying opinions as where to draw the line. But what if instead of focusing on that line we chose to view it from a whole different perspective?

What if instead of thinking about how we feel in a certain outfit we chose to think about how our decisions affect others?

I believe there are two thought processes when it comes to our decision to dress in a revealing manor.

#1 We do it because we are naïve. Some women (especially younger women) honestly have no idea what goes on inside of a man’s mind or how easily their thoughts can be led astray.

A young lady may wear a trendy gym outfit or short dress and feel quite pretty and flattered when she catches a man stealing a glimpse. What she doesn’t realize, however, is that when that man is gawking at her there is only one thing on his mind and it’s certainly not “she’s so pretty and I bet she has the most beautiful heart”.

It really wasn’t until I got married and began picking the brain of my husband on this topic that I truly began to understand the struggles men go through. I’ve since learned that this isn’t an area that we can afford to be naïve in. Our actions regarding modesty have a trickle-down effect that impacts many more people than just ourselves.

#2 We do it because it empowers us. Ladies, if we’re completely honest I believe that, unfortunately, many of us land in this category. We show too much skin and too many curves because it turns heads. Men notice us and we find some form of satisfaction in knowing that we’re desirable.

I’d like to hit pause here for a moment.

If men notice us because of the way we’re dressed, that also means that they notice EVERY OTHER WOMAN who is also dressed this way whether we like it or not. Although this simple fact is rather obvious, it’s not one that we take the time to think upon too often.

Are you okay with your fiancé, husband, or son struggling with lustful thoughts towards other women who dress the way you do?  I’m not.  And I’m not okay with being a stumbling block to another woman’s man or son either.

If you’re questioning if an outfit is considered immodest try asking yourself these questions to help.

• For the single ladies- Would you want your future husband looking at another woman dressed in the same outfit? Would she be a stumbling block to him?
• And for the married ladies and mommas- Would you want your daughter to wear that outfit and possibly be objectified by men? Would you want your son struggling with lust because of a young lady baring too much? Would your husband to be led astray by the glance of another fit woman dressed like you?

Related: HOW TO STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS

What Is Female Modesty?

Dressing modestly doesn’t mean wearing outdated clothing that is two sizes too big. We can most definitely dress in a way that is feminine and pretty without covering ourselves from head to toe or feeling the need to show every curve and crevice of our body.

Modesty is understanding that we were specifically formed and fashioned by the all loving, all knowing, all powerful God of the universe… and resting in the fact that He doesn’t make mistakes. And it is sharing the precious gift of our body with only one man- our husband.

That is truly beautiful.

2. Modesty Isn’t Just About Clothing

Although we typically envision clothing when thinking of “modesty” it can equally refer to a person’s character. Dictionary.com defines modest as “having or showing a moderate or humble estimate of one’s merits, importance, etc.; free from vanity, egotism, boastfulness, or great pretensions.”

A common thread woven throughout our culture is to think highly of ourselves. We are bombarded with the message that we’re beautiful, strong, brave, and powerful. But do these presumed traits truly bring us joy? Or is it just empty flattery that still leaves us yearning for more? What if instead of spending so much of our time and attention on looking good in a variety of ways we began focusing on developing more character?

Going out of our way to care for and serve others. Joyfully placing another’s needs before our own. Owning up to our faults and seeking forgiveness. Humbly admitting that we don’t have it all together. Doing what is right when no one else watching…when it’s inconvenient… or is downright hard. What if we learned to remove ourselves from the equation altogether?

3. Modesty Is a Reflection of the Heart

There are many blessings of living in our current culture, but I’m afraid that the fast paced lives we lead also have a tendency to leave us merely skimming the surface of what truly matters. We are shallow. We think of the immediate here and now pleasures. And we neglect diving too deep into matters of the heart.

Why do we, as women, feel the need to dress in a revealing or provocative way in the first place? Is it because deep down we are craving the affirmation and acceptance of other people instead of from the very One who spoke our lives into existence? Are we longing to find fulfilment and ultimate satisfaction somewhere? Anywhere? And it continues to evade us?

The truth is that we were each created with a void in our hearts that was only ever meant to be filled with one person- the Man who died to be our Savior.

We’ve all lusted, lied, and coveted, among other things. Each and every one of us has broken God’s law and fallen short of his glory. But here’s the incredible part. God gave us those commands along with the rest of the 10 Commandments because He created us and knows how life works best. He also knew that we could never fully keep them which is why He uses His law to point us to a merciful and forgiving Savior.

Jesus, the perfect, holy, sinless Son of God, came to earth for the sole purpose of dying the death that we deserve. He came to offer us the free gift of amazing grace that we come nowhere near deserving. If we genuinely turn away from our sin, seek His forgiveness, and trust in the sacrifice He made on our behalf we can rest assured that we will spend eternity in Heaven with Him someday.

Ladies, we don’t need to prove anything to anyone. The only opinion that will ever truly matter is that of the Man who died in our place- and He says that we are worthy.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8 ESV)

Men’s Thoughts on Women’s Modesty

I recently had the opportunity to survey more than 50 men on the topic of women’s modesty. (A sincere “thank you” to all of the men who took a few minutes out of their day to answer these questions and help shed some light on this topic for us ladies!)

I did not hand select these men, and only personally know a handful of them. My desire in polling was to gather a variety of ages (18-60+) and backgrounds in order to truly hear men’s thoughts on the subject. What I received was a unique perspective that we rarely ever have the privilege of hearing.

Society, as a whole, is screaming at us the message that men are only after one thing. And that, as women, it’s our job to give it to them. This is completely unfair to both genders and is simply not true.

The Modesty Survey

• 79% of the men surveyed agreed that the clothing of each generation is becoming more revealing, and that this as a problem.
• 98% said that a woman does not need to show off her body to be truly attractive.
• 57% said that they actually have less respect for a women who reveals too much.

It is interesting to note that the remaining three questions of the survey were fill-in-the-blank, and yet many of their answers were the same. When asked to share the top 3 qualities they look for in a significant other, attraction was near the top, but it wasn’t number one. Out of 165 qualities submitted, honesty held the top spot. Followed by:

• Kindness
• Sense of humor
• Attraction
• Personality
• Loyalty
• Patience
• Character
• Compassion
• Intelligence

This next question involved looking at a situation through the eyes of a father. I will always be amazed at how God can get ahold of our hearts through the gift of our children.

When asked “What would you say to your daughter/ future daughter if she believed that dressing in a revealing way was the only way to attract a man?” nearly 100% of men were in agreement that dressing this way is wrong and will only attract the wrong type of man. In their own words:

“NOOO! You don’t need to show off your body to have a man like you.”

“I would say that attracts a certain type of man, not the type that you are looking to find. If a man is only attracted to you for dressing this way, then he isn’t worthy of you.”

“Anyone who primarily values that part of you doesn’t deserve you.”

“That’s how you get men that only have one thing on their mind.”

“That is not the sort of men you want to attract. Mold your character first and then the right man will be attracted to that.”

“Short term interest doesn’t lead to long term commitment.”

“It’s a lie from the pit of hell.”

“1) She’s looking for wrong type of man 2) She’s selling herself short. A guy that is focused on her body is only after one thing and he sees that by showing off what you have you’re going to give it to him. 3) When he gets it he won’t need you anymore. 4) You can be attractive without showing off the goods.”

“Beauty fades. Character is forever.”

“If you attract men because of your body, you will attract the worst kind of men.”

“I would tell her that she was absolutely incorrect and that the true way to attract a man is through inner beauty.”

“The type of guys you would attract are not worthy to be with you.”

“A woman with strong character and values is more attractive.”

“The right man will love you for who you are, not how you dress.”

“That dressing in a revealing way diminishes your true self-worth and only makes you look “easy” to these young men. Dress appropriately, be confident and always know your value!”

“Beauty comes from within. It’s in your best interest not to attract a man that way.”

Ladies, if our daughters would be attracting the wrong type of man by dressing this way, doesn’t it mean that we would too?

Is Modesty A Good Thing?

In closing, I asked these men “If you could say only one thing to women on the topic of modesty what would you tell them?”

In an effort to be completely transparent with the responses that we received I will share that out of 53 responses to this specific question 8 men did say something along the lines of “Be true to you, you owe no one an explanation.” However, the remaining 45 men (85%) had a different point of view. Below are some of their responses.

“Classy is attractive.”

“Your heart is more beautiful than any other possibility.”

“Dress respectfully.”

“A man is absolutely accountable for the lust in his own heart (and what he chooses to do with it), but it is also true that women can use their attractiveness as a form of manipulation which is a trait which can easily be abused.”

“Don’t wear clothes that tempt men to look.”

“Please cover up.”

“Respect yourself enough to find better ways to attract attention, besides your body.”

“Beauty comes from within! Believe that your heart and mind are what matters most!”

“Most men who are only out to see more of your body tend to be more shallow and less interested in the true person.”

“Your personality, intelligence and character by far will outshine skimpy clothes.”

“Keep something for the imagination!”

“Nothing wrong with looking nice, but your character is what people should notice.”

“If you dress for sex appeal, men will see you as an object to satisfy their sexual desires. If you dress to reveal your character, you will attract men who are truly interested in you.”

“Inner qualities are far more important than physical appearance.”

“Know that God has created you as a unique woman and let your true light shine through.”

“Inner beauty is better than outer beauty.”

“Inner beauty is what lasts. And relationships last longer when they’re based on this.”

“Avoid dressing in a way that may tempt others to stumble.”

“Find and respect yourself first. Others can’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself.”

“I would tell them not to degrade themselves by dressing provocatively. They attract a better type man with inner beauty.”

“Love yourself for who you are, not who some men want you to be. There are more than enough men out there looking for a modest woman who isn’t trying to and doesn’t want to impress. Trust in God and he will lead you to the man of your dreams without having to impress physically.”

“Choose your clothing wisely. It reveals who you serve and your motives.”

“Comport yourself with high character and dignity. Do not settle for men who are only concerned with appearance. Serious, long-term relationships are dramatically more significant than such surface-level vapidity.”

“You don’t need to expose yourself to be attractive. A real man can see your beauty from within.”

“Character and personality attributes are a stronger attraction for good men.”

“True beauty comes from the heart.”

Rediscovering Modesty

If we could learn to truly value ourselves and each other there wouldn’t be a multi-billion dollar porn industry. There would be far less marital infidelity. And there would be a whole lot more contentment and genuine joy flowing throughout our homes and communities.

Friend, it starts with us. Yes, men absolutely have a responsibility to turn away and not be consumed with lustful thoughts and desires, but what would happen if we stopped giving them something to look at?

Let’s rise up against the message and current of the culture.

Be an example to our children and a help to our men.

And rediscover the art of modesty.